A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after. Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease. Laughter is infectious and the more everybody laughs the more everybody drinks.
Quick and Easy to eat.
Quick and Easy to eat.
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An amnesiac drunk walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”
A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar. "I'll
have a pint please." The bartender looks him up
and down, "You're way too young!" The boy replied,
"How you know my name?"
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
A guy goes up to this girl in a loud bar and shouts, "Would you like to dance?" The girl shouts back, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you!" The guy shouts back, "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me, I said you are too fat for those pants!"
Last night while I was at the bar, my house was broken into. Did they get anything? Yes, a black eye, their teeth kicked in and 3 broken ribs, it was my wife she thought I was coming home drunk.
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me
five shots of your best scotch!" The bartender
pours them and the man drinks them as fast as
he can. "Wow, that's the fastest I've seen anyone
drink!" says the bartender. "Well, you'd drink that
fast if you had what I had." "What do you have?"
Two men walk into a bar. First one says "I'll have
an H2O." Second man says, "You know what? I'll
have an H2O too." The second man dies.
A wild-eyed guy rushes into a crowded bar. ‘I have a revolver with 6 bullets, who has been sleeping with my wife?’ There is silence... then a guy from the back shouts ‘You need more ammunition’
“I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.”
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his
arm and says: "Beer please, and one for the road."
Last night I dreamt I had the world's largest Margarita! I woke up this morning and there was salt on the rim of the toilet!... Thank goodness I didn't eat the worm.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind,’
Some old friends were gathered at a table outside the local pub. They were all drinking and laughing, but when a funeral procession came passing by, one of them got up on his feet and stood in solemn sentry until the procession had passed.
“I never knew you had so much respect for the dead?” one of his friends commented as he sat back down.
“Usually I don’t, but after all, we were married for 30 years.”
I was just having a quiet beer by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.
"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."
Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.
He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for the past ten years, so move it".
Still refusing, the guy walked right up to me, passed me two sticks and said, "Well you play the fucking drums then."
SHNAX BAR JOKES
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I walked into a pub last night and there was this very overweight woman dancing on the table.
‘Nice legs’ I remarked.
She bashfully replied: ‘You really think so?’
‘Yes, other tables would have collapsed by now.’
A guy walks into a bar and in the corner is a guy having
a beer with his dog. He goes up to the guy and says: ‘It
must be great to sit in a pub and have a beer with your
‘So what!’ says the dog.
The guy jumps back in shock. ‘And your dog can talk! If
I give him some money will he go and buy me a
‘Give me the money’ says the dog and off the dog goes.
The two guys chat while waiting for the dog to come
back. It’s a long while and eventually the owner decides
to go and see where the dog is. He goes to the shop,
no dog, he looks down the side roads and eventually he
finds his dog at the end of an alley busy shagging a
He goes up to his dog and shouts: ‘What’s wrong with
you? You’ve never done this to me before!’
The dog says; ‘I’ve never had any money before!’
Two guys walk into a bar. The one orders: ‘I’ll have a
beer and one for the donkey.’ He says pointing at his
friend. They finish their beers and the guys orders
again: ‘I’ll have a beer and one for the donkey’ The guy
goes to the toilet and the barman goes up to his friend
and asks: ‘Why do you let your friend call you a
donkey?’ The friend says: ‘Hee haw... hee haw... he
always... calls me that’
A man who has been drinking all night in the pub,
decides it’s time to go home. But he can’t stand up
so he decides to crawl outside and maybe the fresh
air will make him feel better. He still can’t stand so
with no choice he crawls home.
The next morning his wife says: ‘So you were
drinking all night again?’
‘How do you know?’ he asks.
‘Cause the barman called and said you forgot your
A well-dressed man with a briefcase walks into a pub.
The bartender says: ‘May I offer you a beer?’ The man
says: ‘That will be nice.’ He sits down and finishes the
beer and leaves. The bartender rushes after him and
says: ‘Sorry you forgot to pay for your beer.’ ‘What do
you mean, you offered me the beer, I’m not paying.’
They have a heated argument and eventually the
bartender says: ‘Okay you caught me but don’t ever
come back to my bar, you are banned.’
Three weeks later the same man walks into the bar.
The bartender shouts: ‘I told you, you are banned, get
out of the pub.’ The man innocently says: ‘I have never
been in the pub before how can I be banned?’
The barman is confused: ‘You look just like someone I
banned, you must have a double’
The man says: ‘Thank you, make it a whiskey.’
Sign outside bar that serves breakfast:
'Our eggs are good, because we beat them daily!'
Three guys in a bar go for a pee. After he is finished the first guy goes to the basin, rolls up his sleeves and thoroughly scrubs his hand right up to his elbows and says: 'I'm a doctor and my professor taught us that cleanliness is next to godliness'
The other uses a very little water and dabs his hands dry with one small sheet of toweling. He says: 'I'm a conservationist and my lecturer taught us to save the earth's natural resources.'
The third guy in overalls walks straight towards the door. 'I'm a motor mechanic and our foreman taught us... not to pee on our hands.'